Long Overdue Vacation: Open Letter
Sorry guys, it’s a little hard to blog when internet costs so much money down under. I’m just finishing up my Darwin leg and going off to Alice Springs next. Don’t worry, there will be an extensive recap of my first few days in Australia.
Before I leave you totally hanging, here is a letter I wrote while out in the Kakadu wilderness. Call it one of my patented over-exaggerations if you wish, but, trying not to sound cliche, you had to be there…
Open Letter to the Flies of Kakadu National Park,
Dear Flies of Kakadu National Park,
My name is Mike, and I have never loathed an entire genus of insects as much as I loathe you, all 1000 unique species of you flies. I don’t know how things work in Australia, but here in the States, we have something called “personal space.” You seem to have no concept of that unwritten rule us humans abide to, as you attempted many, many, many…MANY times to say hello by flying into my eardrums, mouth, and weirdly but most annoyingly, my eyelids. Now, this is barely justifiable if it happens one time. Maybe you were drunk and thought I was attractive and wanted to make out with me. Fine, I get that a lot. But you didn’t stop. Not only did you not stop, you brought an entire posse to also join and constantly ram into all parts of my body and orifices.
NO MEANS NO! Not “Yes, may I have some more, and why don’t you bring your entire extended family to have their turn raping me too…” Yeah, I went there. It might not be politically correct, but I was violated to my very soul by all of you. The lingering scars of what you have done to me will remain for a long time, if not forever. You are the reason why I have to add a disclaimer when I describe how breathtakingly beautiful your home was. And any buzzing I hear, either from your own kind or something as common as the laundry machine, now causes me to have sudden nervous emotional breakdowns. I wish it was possible to sue you.
[...] our tour guide. A young, terribly enthusiastic, and laid back Aussie. While I considered the flies spawns of Satan, he described them as “just very friendly”. Definitely looked the part of an avid [...]