The Long Overdue Vacation: Day 6 – Why You Can’t Take Me Anywhere
So we’re off to France! Halfway through writing this post, I sensed a recurring theme of the day: my inability to be a functional human being when traveling. Most of my close friends and family have come to this conclusion well before I started this trip, but now, in chronological order, I document the evidence to prove their point:
#1. I sleep through Catalan sunrises.
This day was one of those crazy travel days that looked kind of exciting on paper, but was pretty brutal in reality. We woke up ass early (5 or 6AM) to leave our castle and get to the Girona airport, one hour outside of Barcelona. I think after we cleared the black ice going down the narrow roads of the castle, I was out like a baby. The Audi A4 is pretty smooth, what do you expect? I did catch a bit of the sunrise, I think I have pictures or video to prove it. Otherwise, this road trip only existed in dreamland.
I would fall asleep soon after.
#2 I can’t carry luggage properly.
Apparently, pounding a cheap, overstuffed, 50-pound rollaway suitcase down flights of stairs and through bumps and curbs rather than, as I learned, lifting the suitcase, puts a lot of stress on the two wheels at the bottom of my suitcase. One wheel decided that it had had enough with my abuse and fell off as I rolled it into an elevator.
#3 I can’t carry broken luggage properly.
Like the true Darwinian failure that I am, I shrug and proceed to continue dragging my now one-wheeled bag to the terminal (which, I might add, was nowhere close to where we parked). Dragging it across pavement would create a harsh scratching sound that was kind of like nails down a chalkboard, except 10 decibels louder. It didn’t sound too bad to me, but I apparently got a lot of looks, from curious to threatening. This would cause all sorts of embarrassment to Alan and Ezeibe.
#4 I get easily confused.
Our drama for the day was in the form of shuttle bus tickets that we had reserved online pre-trip. Alan, the organized dude that he is, created a perfectly reasonable checklist of reservations and confirmations we needed to print out before leaving for Europe and who was responsible for what. Now, this was 100% Ezeibe’s ball drop as he had reserved the shuttle tickets, but I had it in my head that this was my responsibility, thus leaving us confused as to how we all could not handle the simple task of reading and checking off a checklist. This sounds mad minor on retelling, but this was pretty aggravating in reality. And to Alan and Ezeibe, I did NOT check off something I wasn’t supposed to. It was always Ezeibe’s item and he checked it off.
#5 Come to think of it, I sleep in any moving vehicle.
I missed a good 80% of the French countryside on that shuttle.
#6 I can’t hail a cab.
Things went from bad to worse when the shuttle dropped us off on the outskirts of Paris. Now we had to find a way to get to our hotel. Simple enough, we’ll call a cab. There was a taxi stand right in front of the bus area. We hailed a good 5 or 6 empty cab drivers and they all just pointed at us and drove off, leaving us perplexed and really annoyed. We would later learn they were pointing to where they were required to stop. We instead gave up and decided to take the metro (much to the frustration of our apartment landlord, who rushed to the apartment to meet us). We first had to find the metro stop. I would lead us to a public restroom (it had the Metro logo, I swear). Alan was getting offended because i kept calling it the T. I secretly tried to see how long I could call it the T until he figured out the ruse or I feared he would punch me in the face. Inappropriate after a long day of travel? Definitely. Entertaining to at least one person? Sure was. As was becoming routine, we hiked another quarter mile with luggage, this time a swanky mall to get to the real metro stop. The metro would be crowded and in the middle of rush hour. This would further aggravate Ezeibe and Alan greatly.
#7 I still can’t carry broken luggage properly.
SCKZZZWEKLERJLRNJKGERTOR!#@HOIEEJ)D.…That’s my best interpretation of the sound of my one-wheeled suitcase being dragged another quarter mile downhill to our apartment. Except I only made it halfway before a thoroughly fed up Alan snatched the luggage from me, and huffily proceeded to carry it all the way to the apartment. I felt like a toddler who just lost his blanky that he’s been drooling on for weeks. It had to be done, but I was a little sad.
#8 I have no wine etiquette.
Let’s fast forward to dinner our first fancy French restaurant later that day where I was offered the first glass of wine we ordered. Apparently, you’re supposed to go through the motions of sniffing, then sipping, then letting the waiter know that you accept the wine. Whatever…I was thirsty, so I drank it.
#9 Technology hates me.
This restaurant also had these awesome electric salt and pepper shakers that doubled as flashlights over your plate. Pretty ingenious. But for a guy who can barely operate luggage, you can guess how this ended. I tipped extra for the amount of pepper that was strewn across the floor.
So, now that I’ve publicly humiliated myself, some other thoughts on the day:
Cool Things:
- Lui L’Insolent. This was the restaurant we had dinner in. It was a 25 euro fixed 3 course menu for dinner and it was worth every penny and then some. Even including the dinner mishaps, this was one of the best meals I have ever had in my life. No joke. I will never forget the salad starter, duck main course, and dessert of THREE souffles. Words will never describe the heaven all three of us were in. On top of that, amazing small restaurant ambiance and a waiter/chef who was so friendly and stereotypically French.
- Eiffel Tower at night. It was lighted up all blue. Alan and I couldn’t really wait to see the Eiffel Tower, so we went down after our amazing dinner. It sparkled on the hour. This really is a city for lovers. Unfortunately, I only had Ezeibe and Alan. This dilemma would put us in many awkward moments in Paris.
What a view...
Not-So-Cool Things:
-We took a Ryanair flight that would get us to Beauvais Airport, an airport hour north of Paris. I liken Ryanair to those Fung Wah Chinatown buses. The stops are always out of the way, you rarely feel comfortable or safe during the trip, but it is so incredibly cheap, you take your chances and spend the ride wondering if your life was worth the cost-savings. Ryanair did its best to swindle you at every step to get more cash out of our pockets. Only Ezeibe really took the bait, checking in two bags (25€ for the extra bag) and then ordering a Sprite mid-flight (5€ or something ridiculous). We had to walk onto the tarmac and into our plane, there was no notion of assigned seating, and don’t expect a Skylines magazine to peruse. The main pre-flight drama was at the boarding gate. They told us one gate, so we parked ourselves and did some last minute souvenir shopping. When we got back, the gate had changed, without our noticing. We go over to the new gate, and a line had formed to get good seats. We were so far back, To be fair, other than a bit of a hard stop on landing, the flight was too short to be considered miserable.
Disasters:
- I already listed nine of them. God, you can be so needy sometimes.